Monday, April 25, 2011

Kink Monday - Domestic Discipline

Domestic Discipline is a kink near and dear to my heart. My husband and I practiced DD for years. Basically, domestic discipline is a kink where a partner submits to the discipline of another partner (often called the HOH or Head of Household) for purposes of self-improvement, behavior maintenance, or basic kinky thrills.

The nice thing about this type of lifestyle is that it takes away of lot of the power struggles that vanilla couples deal with on a day to day basis. In most DD households, rules and responsibilities are very clearly defined -- as are consequences. The dominant partner is secure in knowing that chores will be done, rules will be followed, and that their partner will behave reasonably well. The submissive partner has the security of knowing what is expected and what will take place if they fall short of expectations. There are no arguments about who does what, who's having a bad day, and who isn't pulling their weight around the house.

In our case, we even wrote up an elaborate document (we called it a marriage contract) outlining each other's duties. And it wasn't me doing the contract my husband (our HOH) had responsibilities too. In the best DD configurations, the partners work together like clockwork. When things in the clockwork break down, there is a system in place to get things back on track.

Some couples use corporal discipline like spanking, while others use journals, corner time, lectures, or any other system that works for them. If rules have been broken, a discipline session takes place, grievances are aired and worked through, and after a successful session, put to rest. No stewing, passive aggressive sniping, or escalation of moodiness until both partners are calling a divorce lawyer. Nice, huh?

If you want to see a couple doing domestic discipline really well, or you have more questions, check out Christopher and ella's Domestic Discipline blog. They are a DD couple who are very thoughtful and loving in their approach. If you're interested in playing around with DD, it's fine to start slow and just see how it works for you as a couple. You may be surprised at how peaceful things become around the house!


  1. I hadn't heard of this before, but I had heard of taken in hand marriages. From the few minutes I spend online reading about it - I guess this is similar, but more formal? My marriage is working well as it is (knock on wood) but I wouldn't be opposed to trying it if I was having marital problems.

    I think the part I have a hard time with is that it seems like the guy is expected to just follow the rules, whereas the woman faces actual consequences. Not sure if this is actually true or not, but I feel like that could breed resentment (for me).

  2. This is the best explanation I've heard for Domestic Discipline. It's smart, efficient, and as you said for your own relationship, would seem to cut down on the major issues that so many struggle with on a day to day basis.

    You said you 'practiced DD for years'. Does that mean you no longer do?

  3. Amber, it does look like that on the face of it, but (at least for my marriage) it's definitely not true. Typically, the man has more responsibilities that affect the very existence of the home: keeping his income, his benefits, making sure that all delegated responsibilities are being met, making sure the family is kept safe, etc. It's a huge duty on his shoulders, and it takes a strong man (one I would consider a true Dom at heart) to carry that kind of burden all the time without getting a little resentful himself.
    Let's put it this way: if I make a mistake, I get punished, but then it's done and life goes on. If he makes a mistake, it can have a much greater impact on the family as a whole.

  4. @Shelby, I have to agree. The man's consequence if he doesn't follow the "rules" can be the loss of his wife's respect and the loss of the dynamic--and that is a consequence, LOL. Cause most DD men do enjoy this dynamic.

    @Lissa, my husband and I are on a kink break. We are working some things out. It's funny, because he gave me a "play" punishment just a couple nights ago for old times sake, and while it reminded me of our DD times together, it just wasn't as exciting and didn't feel as affectionate as "real" punishment used to. But actually being DD all the time can get overwhelming. We do take occasional breaks and draw back from it. The play punishment makes me wonder if he is about ready to dive into it again.

  5. With DD explained from someone who (used to?) practice it, you did a great job. *claps hands* It actually makes me think that DH and I have been practicing our own version w/o knowing it for years ;-)
    Without really putting it in written we have set rules who's responsible for what (because we TALK to each other) but now I'm curious about the "punishing" part if I didn't iron his shirts...hmmm

    I think that many marriage counsellors would be out of their jobs and many marriages saved if everyone in the relationship knew what they're to do and not expect their partners to just pick up where themselves left. That's why I hate women who expect their husbands to be the major bread earners, (while women have part time jobs that are usually less paid) and then expect that men think if the garbage is taken out, if there is any milk left in the fridge, if kids need new shoes...Girls, you spend more time at that beautiful home than them so don't fuss about "he only has to work in his office!" *growls*

    I'm with you Shelby that men mostly have more responsibilities that affect the very existence of the home. So why not make ourselves a life much easier by following simple rules we both agreed on?

  6. We live a domestic discipline life and we are very happy! We have a DD dating site where you can meet others into DD

    Princess x

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