Monday, April 11, 2011

Kink Monday: Teasing and Denial

I get a lot of flack from readers of As She’s Told, indignant with Anders for “denying Maia pleasure.”

Does anyone else get off on the word “No”? As in, “No, you’re not allowed to come.” Said in an offhand tone, as if any urgency is immaterial and the date of release is so distant as to be not worth considering.

That’s power.

I personally go for the offhand tone. But some verbal emphasis could work, too, if you play it right.

As for being “denied pleasure,” teasing and denial are anything but. The pleasure is drawn out, prolonged, intensified. No routine sexual experience here. The episode doesn’t end, it goes on. Through the evening, through the weekend, through weeks or months…. “Never!” I hear you say. “I could never wait that long!” Each to their own. No matter what the delay -- the teasing, excruciating delay -- an hour or a month -- the orgasm when it’s finally granted will be shattering.

This kink can run the gamut from equal-partner experimentation all the way to total power exchange, as in As She’s Told, where Maia has to wait long, and wait hard, for Anders to grant her some mercy. While he, of course, gets off whenever he wants. “It’s not fair!” some readers have said. No, it’s not fair. It’s not supposed to be fair. Is it possible to get off on just how unfair it is?

Here are Maia’s streetcar thoughts:

He had me. My god, he really had me.

You would think that it would be orgasms, that summit of purest pleasure, that would tie me to him. A conditioned response bringing me always back for more.

But after fulfilment one can move on. Make weekend plans. Read the paper. Go out for sushi. Or at least get on with one’s slavegirl day. Not me. I stood, trapped at that barred threshold, unable to see any other path, much less take it. In the absolute grip of the gatekeeper.

Imagine being more or less continuously aroused. Going about your day unable to think for long about anything else. Imagine being teased to incoherence, teased to the point of begging.

If that strikes a chord, there’s a great site called, with all sorts of contributions from people engaged in teasing and denial at every kind of level. Except for stories, the readers’ contributions seem to be entirely consensual. (And mostly based on willpower. Not for me; my preferences is for metal and keys; more on that in a later Kink Monday.) This kind of play makes for a subtle and fine-tuned partnership, based on trust and deepening mutual enjoyment.

As a fetish, teasing and denial has generated a fair amount of paraphernalia. Dildos, vibrating clips, even remote control vibrators for sneaky public fun. But a simple bit of rope harness might do as well.

Play it any way you like: in or out of the bedroom, short- or long-term, by mutual agreement or unequal and gorgeously unfair – as an erotic intensifier, teasing and denial can’t be beat.


  1. I think the person doing the teasing has to play it right. If it near constant arousal and just not being allowed release that is just really...*shiver* If it's just flat out denial of sex without any foreplay type stuff then I just don't want sex. It's like...starvation mode for sex lol

  2. In real life I don't want to be denied for more than a couple of hours. I have been denied for longer period of times, but only a few times and I'm grateful that's not my DH's kink. Seriously grateful.

    However, in fantasy I agree that the idea of being owned to the extent of not being allowed orgasm for longer periods of time is hot. Very hot. And the "unfairness" of the Top being able to have as many as he wants while the bottom has none is also a huge turn on for me. In fantasy.

  3. "No" can be pretty hot. I think a lot of that is trusting that the dominant will make it good for the sub in the end -- and trust is hot, too.

  4. Sigh, your book is on my list of books to read while I'm on vacation. My poor husband isn't going to know what hit him.

    I like the denial. My husband did this more frequently to me while we were dating long distance. We'd enjoy the proverbial phone sex and before I could over, he's say stop. I'd stop cold turkey and I wouldn't be allowed to have an orgasm for a couple of days. I could play, but not go over the edge.

    It is true, it becomes more intense. Now that I've hit my "sexual maturity", I don't know if I could hold out as long.

    I find an interesting aspect to those who are outraged with the denial of orgasms. These readers who claim they are "subs" have a very interesting definition on what they expect a dom/me to be. In fact, I would say, their understanding of a sub and dom role are essentially flipped around. They don't want a dom. What they really want is a boy toy who likes to be a bit kinky.