Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Simultaneous Orgasms

I don't believe that both people reach completion at the same time very often in the vanilla world. I'm not vanilla, so I don't know for sure, but from what I understand it's kind of a rarity in real life. Vanilla sex is usually written with a simultaneous finish, but I've seen a number of online conversations with people rolling their literary eyes about it being written that way so often.

In the world of BDSM, where submissives are often trained to wait until given permission to come, it should be a given that synchronized orgasms would be a lot more common. Shouldn't it?

I still see readers occasionally talking about it like it's purely fantasy though -- like it only happens in books. I've even seen people comment that they'd like to see it written more "real", where everyone doesn't finish at the same time. But in my world -- my real world, not my fantasy world -- it's the norm for people to come together for the big finish.

The other thing the BDSM world has going for it is foreplay. The majority of the time our sex has a long period of flogging, or nipple torture, or orgasm denial, or forced orgasm after orgasm after orgasm, or intricate bondage, or something that comes before the sex and either allows for many orgasms before the actual sex act starts, or denies those orgasms before the sex starts. Either way can work out just fine.

Sure, it's often a Dom's prerogative to just say, "Bend over" and then go at it with no foreplay... but that in and of itself, the fact that the submissive must do it, that she is being used with no care given as to how she feels about it at the time... that's usually a big enough turn on that foreplay isn't needed. Or, occasionally, the submissive isn't turned on at all, she just bends over and deals with it until he is done. It may not be a turn on when it is happening, but can be a huge turn on the next day when it is remembered.

But back to my point, the world of BDSM is, in a way, geared towards the ending being manageable, and thus geared towards simultaneous orgasms for the finish (assuming the couple isn't into long term orgasm denial). By the time the end is nearing the Dom will have either allowed the submissive to have already had many orgasms and can be building her up to the final big one... or he can have denied any orgasms for the past hour or more of titillation and then order it to happen just as he is about ready to finish. That is the norm in my world. It doesn't happen that way 100% of the time, but I would guess that the ending is within thirty seconds of each other greater than seventy-five percent of the time.... and at least ten percent of that other twenty-five percent is when he intends for it to not be simultaneous because he has a different ending in mind. Or that's what he tells me, anyway.

What about you? Do you see the whole simultaneous ending as fantasy or the way it usually works out in real life? Do you roll your eyes at a perfect ending? Would a book be more real for you if the occasional scene didn't end skillfully choreographed?


  1. First off I want to say I'm new to your site and I look forward to you posts!
    Now as far as the how I see things in regards to this subject.. It's a fantasy vanilla couples don't finish together - lol. Been married over 18 years and I can count on my hands the number of times thats happened with vanilla sex. When reading I don't mind it too much but in movies where I actually am watching it, it drives me nuts! I would however love to see more books with an actual ending, but I'm sure editors would though.

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  2. Maybe I'm just the odd woman out but I had simultaneous orgasms pretty damn often in my last two vanilla relationships. I never thought it was that rare...

    In my current (and not vanilla) relationship, it happens a lot less often.

  3. Interesting Mockingbird. Thanks for the input.

    It sounds like both of you are good with it written that way, even though one sees it as the norm and the other doesn't.

  4. I have them with my husband a lot too. I've always put this down to his sexual skill, because he can "hold off" until he knows I'm right on the brink, and then just when I'm close to the edge, he'll say, COME NOW FOR ME or something equally demanding and domly so it sends me over the edge and he comes at the same time just because he's got those skillz. I don't think simultaneous orgasms are pure fantasy at all, at least for some couples. We come together more often than not. (does that sound braggy, LOL?)

  5. Annabel - If I could do that, I would brag too!!

    ~ Diana

  6. Hmm, not braggy to me, but I wasn't thinking of it that way. I guess I was more into question and answer mode and hadn't even considered it might come out that way. If mine sounded that way it wasn't intentional.

    Annabel, do you think both partners have to have some control in order for the timing at the end to be right? The Dom is the maestro, getting the bottom worked up and ready to blow at the right moment, but the bottom also has to hold off until told they can come.

    I think that if I ever write someone new enough to the scene that they have no orgasm control that I'll write some scenes in that don't have a perfect ending but that work out okay without it.

  7. Candace, I think in a sense both partners do need to exercise some control to make it work. In my case my partner does most of the control work by holding off until I'm ready to come.

    But if it was the woman who was really orgasmic and always close to orgasm, and she was told to wait for their top before she could come, well...that's got to be a super difficult skill to develop.

    That actually happens in my books a lot, but I think that's mainly because I like to make my subbies suffer on the page. :-)

  8. In my world (I'm a guy) it's the norm too. We're into orgasm control a lot of the times both for him and her, thus simultaneous orgasms are just a natural ending. Also, I think that even if you like to dominate your girlfriend/wife, one should still be a gentleman and wait for her orgasms.

  9. In my world (I'm a guy) it's the norm too. We're into orgasm control a lot of the times both for him and her, thus simultaneous orgasms are just a natural ending. Also, I think that even if you like to dominate your girlfriend/wife, one should still be a gentleman and wait for her orgasms.