Friday, November 18, 2011


I'm reading a lot of posts lately from women who want advice on making their husbands more dominant.
When my husband and I were entirely new to the concept of lifestyle D/s, I adopted the belief that I could be the perfect sub I was meant to be if only my husband would manage me better. In my fantasy he always wore leather while at home---complete with a matching hat---and he'd have a paddle attached to his belt loop, and I'd be punished every single time I didn't follow the rules, or if I had the slightest bit of an attitude problem. In short, I wanted him to do all the work.
I don't wish to give the impression that my husband wasn't fulfilling his role. He was doing plenty, but he wasn't doing it the way I wanted.
I know, I know. Group cringe, everyone.
And so began my topping-from-the-bottom jihad. I printed articles from the internet for him, and over dinner I would tell him about the blogs I'd read that day. I extolled the virtues of Loving Domestic Discipline (and bought the book for him, which he never read), and spent hours researching punishment implements he "should" use on me. I provided my husband with page after page of training instructions written by Doms whose websites I'd discovered.
I would have had more success herding cats.
Fortunately, just before my husband's eyes permanently glazed over, I stumbled upon wisdom on the internet. A lifestyle submissive was asked, "How do I make my husband more dominant?" The answer: "Concentrate on perfecting your own submission. You'll have more than enough to change in your own behavior without worrying about his."
Once I started practicing this, I sure didn't need a book, article or blog to show me what a crappy sub I'd been. Practicing true submission became the hardest job I'd ever had, and it was astonishing how often I threw screws in the works of our developing D/s relationship. But the more I worked on my own behavior, the more pleasing I became to my husband. Before I knew it, things were evolving beautifully, and without my damned "help." It sounds so simple, but I can't tell you how difficult it was to get out of my own way, and his.


  1. Excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor. What elegantly simple advice! Good blog post.

  2. I appreciate that. Thank you!


  3. As much as people have problems with Dr Laura, and I really have no idea what she would think about D/s, she really was right about what most relationships need is an attitude change. You can change yourself so much easier than trying to change someone else. And once you turn the question around like that to make yourself more self-aware rather than other aware, it's amazing how much better your life looks. This works for all relationships, too.