Thursday, January 12, 2012

Is kink a coat or a skin?

I'm in a bit of a bind, because I have nothing to write about that's either remotely kinky or sexy. Call it post-holiday stress, or the ongoing plague-like illness I have, or just the blahs. Whatever it is, I'm just not feeling kink lately.

I'm sure it will come back. I hope so anyway! But if it doesn't, I'll survive that too. One of the things I often wonder about is the genesis of kink/fetish tendencies in people. I've been kinky for so long, since I was a child really, that in my case I think it must be genetic. Something that happened with no outside influence, especially considering the conservatism of the house where I grew up.

But then there are people for whom kink clicks on at a later time, sometimes when they are already in their twilight years. I've met such people on They are amazed by this whole new world.

Aside from the question of where it begins, there's the question of where it ends. On Fetlife, there are many purist types who identify with kink so strongly that it is literally who they are, above and beyond everything else. For them, the idea that they might lost interest in kink one day is ludicrous. How can they stop being who they are (whether Master, submissive, slave...)?

But for me, kink has always been just one of the many quirks that makes up me. It's not the indicator by which I define who I am, by any means. For some people, this means I'm not really kinky...that I'm just...what's the phrase?...a bedroom player. I don't think that's true either.

What I've decided is that maybe, for some people kink is a skin. They wear it all the time and plan to feel at home in it until they die. For others, it's a coat they put on when they wish to. When they're in the mood. When they need to comfort or excitement of whatever it is they do in kink-related terms. When they are done with it, they put the coat away until it's needed again.

My coat is off right now, but it's around, hanging over on the wall or whatever. What is kink for you? A skin or a coat? How long have you been kinky? Do you think you'll be kinky until you die?


  1. I was thinking about this the other day because I read an article, I wish I could remember where it was. Someone was talking about Joey Hill's natural law. The man in it is submissive, but in every other area of his life, he's the traditional alpha male. Women are often shown this way, too, as being in-charge kind of ladies at work or elsewhere, but in bed they are submissive. But then, on the other hand, we're told that their submissiveness or kink defines them, and how can that be if it's only in the bedroom? It feels like paradox.

    I don't feel defined by kink, but I have always had the weird thoughts and when I did get old enough to seek out such things, there was a certain click. Like ah, there's a name for that. Maybe it helps with acceptance, too, but I was just me all along.

  2. Are you tiring or outgrowing kink? I've wondered if some people age out of kink although I haven't met anyone who has. I know some who are "bedroom-only" kink who waver between "vanilla" and "kink". The "Lifestylers" I know are very much engaged in it. They scare me sometimes because I'm young and hesitant to go as deeply as they do. But, time will tell.

  3. Dave: I think life sometimes makes these decisions for you. My husband and I had to deal with it as he had two hips fail, two hip replacement surgeries, etc. I kept wondering how we would ever keep up our level of kink, but then health, age, hormones, stress, etc. decided things for us in ways I never would have imagined. Roles even alter at times and, at least for us, things never went back quite the same as they were. We're not even very old!